I hope you are not mad at me for not writing to you these past few weeks, I haven’t been feeling quite myself lately. You know how I become, you know me all too well – look at me considering the feelings of an inanimate object. Speaking of which, I think I should make an appointment with a therapist. No, no, not for you or my pathetic self-deprecating joke, but because I think I have depression. But I am ashamed, I am supposed to have everything together, I followed all the good advice I received from my friends and family like they are sacred rituals! These last few weeks, I had the following symptoms of depression:
- Difficulty getting out of bed, but lack of sleep
- Extremely sad, but can’t quite put my finger on why
- I haven’t showered for three days, nor have I cleaned my room
- Netflix, books, snacks, video games, a walk in the park, music – all my little rewards to myself seem boring
- Couldn’t care less about one of my friends’ wedding last weekend, I really like her, but couldn’t muster up any strength to get dressed and face people
- Today, just before I started writing to you, I sat on the couch and stared at a blank wall for a long time, thinking how useless I am and how there is no point in anything!
- I wanted the creator to just take me away
I know that you are doubting that maybe these symptoms are temporary, but I found these symptoms in published works, you know my nerdy brain won’t accept anything so serious without proof. But even if I am wrong, don’t you agree that I should check it out?
Husband dearest has been a lifesaver by just letting me be and also keeping me on suicide watch…will tell you more about it later, I don’t feel like talking about that now…I feel guilty…
Ok, so coming back to the point of why I want to see a therapist. Because even though I feel like I am just using up space in this world and everybody associated with me would be better off without me, I refuse to give up! I have procrastinated the task of booking the appointment too many times, so I delegated the task to my mom, she has always been so understanding, but I could tell by the look in her eyes that she is worried. She will let me know once she sets the appointment. I don’t know what I will tell the therapist though…but my mind is too crowded right now…I can’t think of this too.
I will write to you after my appointment, I feel like I am unable to express anything at the moment.
I hope I get better.”
Series: Dear Diary
Part 1: Depressive Disorder
Reference: Kendler, K. (1987). Symptoms of Anxiety and Symptoms of Depression. Archives Of General Psychiatry, 44(5), 451. doi: 10.1001/archpsyc.1987.01800170073010
Artwork by the brilliant Nishat Nailah