Dear diary,
Remember how I sounded slightly positive the last time I wrote to you? Turns out that did not last, because I, unfortunately again, have bad news. Apparently, I have symptoms of anxiety disorder, something that is proven to be present in women more than men, scientific studies say. Before you start telling me that it’s okay, there is a pandemic gripping us, and other consoling words – hear me out. I don’t want to live in fear anymore – so bear with me please.
My therapist says she will help me overcome this besides my depression on our next session, but I am anxious about defeating anxiety – does that make sense? When I shared with my brother that I may have anxiety disorder, he was taken aback and told me “but you are fearless!”, and he is not the first one to call me that you know. I sometimes do feel fearless, focus on the sometimes. On other times I fear losing my loved ones, financial troubles, failing in studies, underperforming at work, incompetence in my relationships – so many things! But the thing that makes it a disorder is linked to my depression (that happens, I have read research papers on it) that creates in me a lower sense of self – I never feel I am enough.
My peers call me outspoken, empathic, charming, and courageous for living my life my way and battling my diseases yet still functioning. I should be happy and proud of myself, right? No, I am not, due to the immense height I expect myself to be, I never am happy about myself. But contrastingly, I also like who I am and this baffles me. How can I be both? How am I excessively worried about my career progress yet not feel happy when I got promoted and instead feel even more pressurized?? How am I so sure of my parents’ love towards me yet always feel that I have failed them? Tell me please how do I see a dark future while simultaneously feeling I am going to add value to this world? How do I feel stupid yet keep learning new stuff each day? Too many questions for you? Just be grateful that I have not started my flow of overthinking EVERYTHING and my ‘what if’s – that’s a symptom by the way.
Some other symptoms I noticed after my session and some reading are my excessive restlessness, constant mood swings, irrational level of worrying, unable to focus or concentrate, self-consciousness, social withdrawal, palpitations, and when a panic attack comes over – full-blown devastation of my present state – pain in my chest, difficulty breathing, dizziness and inability to function. I had 4 of these so far, they are HORRIBLE!
So, I am resolute that I will take back control of my life – I don’t know how yet, now that I have stemmed another disease in my already overcrowded mind, but I will find out with my therapist and I will read up on it more.
I just have to remember – I actually am brave
Series: Dear Diary
Part: 3
Artwork by the brilliant
Nishat Nailah
References:
Clark, D., Beck, A., and Beck, J., 1994. Symptom differences in major depression, dysthymia, panic disorder, and generalized anxiety disorder. American Journal of Psychiatry, 151(2), pp.205-209.
BELL-DOLAN, D., LAST, C., and STRAUSS, C., 1990. Symptoms of Anxiety Disorders in Normal Children. Journal of the American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry, 29(5), pp.759-765.
Lewinsohn, P., Gotlib, I., Lewinsohn, M., Seeley, J., and Allen, N., 1998. Gender differences in anxiety disorders and anxiety symptoms in adolescents. Journal of Abnormal Psychology, 107(1), pp.109-117.